The Twelve Hours of Thanksgiving (A Holiday Song)


The holidays are a time for celebrating the ones you love and prioritizing those closest to you over silly materialistic goods. This Thanksgiving I did exactly that, by spending as little time as physically possible at home because, ya know... college football. But someone once told me quality over quantity, or something along those lines, as long as it still works as an excuse in my situation. So here's a holiday song I wrote all by myself to kick off the cheer of the holiday season, starting with Thanksgiving.

On the 1st hour of Thanksgiving my psychotic family will gave to me...

a cowardly dog who won't leave the pantry for social interaction.

On the 2nd hour of Thanksgiving my psychotic family gave to me...

two fucked up pies and a cowardly dog who won't leave the pantry for social interaction.

On the 3rd hour of Thanksgiving my psychotic family gave to me...

three tablespoons of whipped cream for 7 people, two fucked up pies and a cowardly dog who won't leave the pantry for social interaction.

On the 4th hour of Thanksgiving my psychotic family gave to me...

four servings of mashed potatoes, three tablespoons of whipped cream for 7 people, two fucked up pies, and a cowardly dog who won't leave the pantry for social interaction.

On the 5th hour of Thanksgiving my psychotic family gave to me...

five "you're in my way"s, four servings of mashed potatoes, three tablespoons of whipped cream for 7 people, two fucked up pies, and a cowardly dog who won't leave the pantry for social interaction.

On the 6th hour of Thanksgiving my psychotic family gave to me...

six glasses of wine, five "you're in my way"s, four servings of mashed potatoes, three tablespoons of whipped cream for 7 people, two fucked up pies, and a cowardly dog who won't leave the pantry for social interaction.

On the 7th hour of Thanksgiving my psychotic family gave to me...

seven shitty jazz albums, six glasses of wine, five "you're in my way"s, four servings of mashed potatoes, three tablespoons of whipped cream for 7 people, two fucked up pies, and a cowardly dog who won't leave the pantry for social interaction.

On the 8th hour of Thanksgiving my psychotic family gave to me...

eight episodes of Kroll Show, seven shitty jazz albums, six glasses of wine, five "you're in my way"s, four servings of mashed potatoes, three tablespoons of whipped cream for 7 people, two fucked up pies, and a dog who won't leave the pantry for social interaction.

On the 9th hour of Thanksgiving my psychotic family gave to me...

nine "I'm concerned about your eating habits," eight episodes of Kroll Show, seven shitty jazz albums, six glasses of wine, five "you're in my way"s, four servings of mashed potatoes, three tablespoons of whipped cream for 7 people, two fucked up pies, and a dog who won't leave the pantry for social interaction.

On the 10th hour of Thanksgiving my psychotic family gave to me...

ten hours of traveling, nine "I'm concerned about your eating habits," eight episodes of Kroll Show, seven shitty jazz albums, six glasses of wine, five "you're in my way"s, four servings of mashed potatoes, three tablespoons of whipped cream for 7 people, two fucked up pies, and a dog who won't leave the pantry for social interaction.

On the 11th hour of Thanksgiving my psychotic family gave to me...

eleven minutes of napping in a dog bed, ten hours of traveling, nine "I'm concerned about your eating habits," eight episodes of Kroll Show, seven shitty jazz albums, six glasses of wine, five "you're in my way"s, four servings of mashed potatoes, three tablespoons of whipped cream for 7 people, two fucked up pies, and a dog who won't leave the pantry for social interaction.

On the 12th hour of Thanksgiving my psychotic family gave to me...

twelve questions about my life plan, eleven minutes of napping in a dog bed, ten hours of traveling, nine "I'm concerned about your eating habits," eight episodes of Kroll Show, seven shitty jazz albums, six glasses of wine, five "you're in my way"s, four servings of mashed potatoes, three tablespoons of whipped cream for 7 people, two fucked up pies, and a dog who won't leave the pantry for social interaction.

Happy Holidays, everyone, and remember: don't help out with the holiday cooking if you stay out till 4 am the night before and wakeup drunk. You'll probably fuck up 3 dishes and get kicked out of the kitchen, or so it has been explained to me.

You're Still Here?


Yeah, it's been a while. Like just under two months a while. Didn't expect this shit did ya? My two month hiatus was born out of a much needed break from the stresses of Wally's continuing presence--who, by the way, is still alive and well--and having to add that on to starting back at school. Then I realized how much fun it was sitting on my couch for the majority of the day watching Netflix and discovering new ways to make my kitchen smell like experimental Food Network recipes. It was fun while it lasted, but lately even Wally has been calling me a useless piece of shit behind my back.


When taken out of the context of what it means to be "meaningful", I accomplished quite a lot: I went to Minnesota to have more blood drawn than could ever fit in the vampire gerbil I wish existed. I rewatched Arrested Development, twice. I turned 21 at a Minnesota hospital hotel bar in between blood drawings. I made an Imgur username. I dreamt I became an Indian cricket super star. I bought festive Fall candles. I fell in love with a woman. I let my life revolve around that woman. And then watched that woman walk away from me because she's the legal property of my friend and also a golden retriever. I still think about you, Belle.


I haven't been completely useless, though; I created a McDonald's menu, I put frozen pizza to a scientific test, I took invasive pictures of my friends, I invented a drinking game. Okay mostly I got drunk and ate food, but that doesn't diminish any of the pride I have for those efforts.

By now we've all come to the same conclusion that this post really has no actual content, other than to explain why I left your father and tell you that I'll be back home soon from Toys Backwards R Us with all sorts of "shiny things erase the memory of my absence" presents. Stay tuned for the Fall 2014 premiere of the hit show Molly Destroys Her Chances of Getting a Summer Internship by Putting Her Thoughts on the Internet.

You know you say thanks when I tell you I love you,

Xoxo Dancing Queen's Special Cousin

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Ode To Air Conditioning: Thank You For Doing You


Today marks the first day of my final week in my current apartment. At 3 p.m. August 26th, I, Molly Kathryn Ade, will give up this apartment and embark on a new chapter of my life. But I'm not ready to move. I love this apartment. It has AC. There are perks to moving, I'm moving in with the three people I actually chose to live with in an apartment I chose to live in--I'm currently in a sublet--but those three people don't fan me constantly or blow cool air in my face on command, so really, fuck them. Growing up in Florida, AC was always a second thought to me. I never appreciated the fact that every building was a fully equipped escape from the swampy outdoors. We also didn't have heaters, and they never really crossed my mind until I came to Michigan and the roles were reversed. The heater may be cool, but air conditioning has been and always will be my day 1 bae, and for that, I must thank you.

Thank you, air conditioning...

For allowing me to accidentally leave refrigerated food out on the counter.

I've only once had to light a scented candle to cover the stench of rotten food, and to you I owe that luxury.

For encouraging me to watch Parks n Rec blooper reels on my couch for hours at a time.

Without you, I might be forced to leave my sweltering apartment for the sweltering outside, where I would actually have to do something active. Or just something.

For being so conveniently located right next to the living room couch.

I don't have to watch Mad Men in sweatpants and a blanket, but I like to watch Mad Men in sweatpants and a blanket. You've never made me compromise my dreams.

For preventing me from sleeping in pools of my own sweat.

My cheeseburger blanket is much more luxurious.

For preventing my ~overnight guests~ from sleeping in pools of their own sweat.

I haven't had any, but I'm sure if I did they'd appreciate that.

For keeping me skin cancer free.

Why lie out and tan when you can lie in and be comfortable? Spew out all the "life source of every living organism" shit you want, the sun is overrated.

For occasionally clicking in the middle of the night, making me think a murder is breaking in.

What's a good night's sleep without a little irrational fear?

For being my friend.


Let the metaphor happen.

10 Things That Stand Out Less Than My Friends At Straight Outta Compton


I hate rap music. My friends love rap music. My friends are also incredibly fucking basic. We had entire day dedicated to being "so autumn" last year... So imagine my dismay when I saw this: compton

In fairness to them this wasn't completely shocking, I've had to sit through many a rap-filled car ride/pregame/incredibly terrible Netflix movie that I'll never be able to erase from my mind--lookin' at you, Al. But still, no matter where they go to see it, they will inevitably be the drunk freshman girl at her very first college football game. Sure, she may be the modern day Sheryl Yoast, but she's also wearing a tutu and has "go sports!" written across her face, so no one will even think to ask. Don't believe me?

Meet Amber!

Amber likes gymnastics, arugula, and getting her appendix out! The daughter of America's most beloved Scrabble master, Amber is straight outta the Long Island suburbs.


Meet Ali!

Ali likes egg whites, yoga, and the wizarding world of investment banking! Voted most likely to have already participated in a fencing tournament, Ali is straight outta the suburbs of New Jersey.


Meet Brooke!

Brooke dislikes people, places, and things, but loves living in the same room as me! Asleep an average of 18 hours of the day, Brooke is straight outta Bumblefuck Michigan.


Glad we've cleared that up. Seeing as I refuse to sit through the movie, I won't be able to see their spectacle with my own eyes, so I can only imagine it'll look something like these, except, ya know, less natural:

This dog who just got stood up

This fox checking on his finances

This bear



This man waiting for someone to open the door

This seal who is also at Straight Outta Compton

This penguin who forgot how to penguin

This piece of pizza that was left out over night

This woman who exaggerated a bit on her Tinder profile

And finally...

Amber's bruise on her leg/arm/body/face/foot/somewhere?

IMG_1505Amber, if you don't get that thing checked out, you may no longer be invited...

Culturally Significant Movies Summarized By A Person Who’s Never Seen Them | Part 2


It's been a while since I did part 1 of the series, and in that time I've seen one movie. 50 Shades of Grey. Let's get this over with.

Super Bad

Michael Cera wears spandex in his first and last film in spandex, and also probably as a superhero--although there might be a sequal? Superhero Michael Cera fights crime while simultaneously trying to become a cool kid at his high school. Eventually he and his friends throw a super badass party after buying fake IDs from Hawaii with the alias McLovin'. Someone needs to explain this McLovin' shit to me or I'm gonna keep throwing him into every movie Michael Cera's made.

Sleepless in Seattle

A guy in Seattle falls in love with a woman in Seattle. She works for a radio company, so they're both sleepless because he's always calling in at different hours of the night to speak to her. Little does he know, she doesn't work the night shift. The woman was probably in a relationship through most of the movie, just dealing with the fact that she had a radio stalker, but when she gets dumped towards the plot's ~climax~ she decides to just fuck it and go out with the stalker because, as the tagline so eloquently explains, that's what desperation'll do to ya!

When Harry Met Sally

My 11th grade English class had a brief discussion of this movie for reasons I don't remember so what a took from that was: Harry meets Sally, Harry likes Sally, but Sally isn't interested in Harry, so they become best friends while also going on dates, a dynamic that is ridiculous even for the Hollywood rom-com crowd. Sally dates someone else and moves away to another city, and then Harry and Sally set out on a string of moving around to a shit ton of different cities in a very short time period, until they finally end up in the same place--let's call it San Francisco--and end up happily ever after together.

Animal House

The movie adaptation of the 1980 best selling book about an apocalyptic future where a ton of farm animals have to create their own government. The pigs are assholes, the horses are stupid, and in the end the chickens bail for a new and better society. Somehow this ties into college frat parties and a grown man-baby that everyone but me seems to know.

Happy Gilmore

Adam Sandler is a really happy guy that enjoys playing golf a lot. This makes him a bum that girls don't want to date because he probably doesn't have a real job from all that golf playing. He's not very good at golf though. At some point he falls down, which in the end will prove to be a turn on to the girl he ends up with and probably the reason he wins her over.

The Wedding Singer

Adam Sandler is back, and apparently funny, as a guy who sings in a wedding band. His band probably also does kids parties and middle school graduations, but this movies centered around a wedding gig. Everything takes place in one day--a la 24--the day of the wedding, and ends with Adam Sandler winning over the bride and them eloping together. Moral of the story: the bride was probably a bitch because she was willing to leave her fiance at the alter for a man she met that day. Oh, and Adam Sandler probably falls at some point.


A young mob boss' son becomes a caddy for his father's mobster henchmen, learning the ropes of the business that will one day be his. It's a tale of family and responsibility, with a little sprinkle of danger. Or Adam Sandler is a really happy guy that enjoys playing golf a lot. I don't know which golf movie is the Adam Sandler golf movie.

The Breakfast Club*

I've also seen this one recently, but until then a Family Guy parody made me think it was about a group of giant stuffed animals that met for breakfast at a cafe. Or at Tiffany's. I'm still not entirely clear on the difference between this and Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Boy meets Girl. Boy loves Girl. Girl loves other, badder boy. Boy and Girl live in the 80's. Girl wears scrunchies. Boy drives a vintage mustang. Bad boy cheats on Girl. Girl and friends of Girl have sleepovers. Girl's little brother is budding pervert. Boy has two friends in a 2,000 person high school. Boy and Girl make out at the end. Joan Cusack.

Die Hard

According to the sequel there are days where it's good to die hard, which makes no sense to me. There's also a difference between dying and dying hard, I assume one of those involves cocaine. I'm guessing there's a group of bad ass buddies that go around shooting people--how else would you kill someone? I mean really, knives?--and in the end some of them will die; not the main characters, though, otherwise there probably wouldn't be 3 movies. Somehow that makes it a Christmas movie. Tis the season to slaughter your enemies... and present their shredded clothes to your niece as a quilt.

Memoirs of a Medical Mystery Volume 2: Very Rational Thought Processes

So I still have a neck bump. It's been about 6 weeks since I've noticed le bump, and in that time not much about is has changed, except that he's now called Wally. Wally's most attractive quality is his consistency; he's consistently been a mystery. Three doctors appointments and four medical professionals later, the only thing I've been told for certain is that we know as much about Wally as we do about the Zodiac Killer--Wally isn't a cyst or a bug bite, the Zodiac Killer was also not a cyst or a bug bite. To sum up everything I do know about Wally so far:

  • To know more about Wally, we must run tests on Wally.
  • To know what tests to run on Wally, we must first know more about Wally.

Ah, reassurance.

The only other thing the "four" trusted "medical" off"ic"ials were able to agree on is that supposedly unlike the Zodiac Killer, Wally is neither dangerous nor life threatening. So far Wally hasn't threatened a bus full of school children, so that assumption still holds up, at least for now.

Knowing that Wally probably won't have any sort of adverse affect on my health, I could let myself get swallowed up by my irrational thoughts based on everything but facts, but that wouldn't be the adult thing to do. The adult thing to do would be to fill my head with pleasant, logical thoughts about my very bright future as a failed BuzzFeed fashion writer. Have I done that? You take a gander for yourself.

Warning: these are the actual, very adult things that I've thought since being told 6 weeks ago that Wally was not a threat to my health. Viewer discretion is advised, as the most recent one was this morning:

If Wally looks smaller when I wear racerback tank tops, is Wally getting smaller?

My heart rate spikes when I exercise... I'm probably dying.

Is there a zit on my lower back or is Wally having a child?

When I get really nervous and stressed out about Wally my heart rate spikes and my breathing shallows. It could be anxiety, but it's probably impending death.

When I get drunk I make bad decisions. Wally, is this your work?

Is it possible that none of the doctors know what a spine is supposed to feel like, and that Wally is actually a side effect from my spine fusing together?

Can you get fat in your neck?

What is calcium, and is it on my spine?

How does kale play into this?

Does Wally occasionally hurt when I poke him because I'm dying, or because I've been poking him aggressively every 5 minutes for the past 6 weeks? Or because I'm dying?

How do tapeworms work?

Is it possible to accidentally get injected with steroids or cortisone? That would explain why the doctors say it looks like a buildup of steroids or cortisone.

Does Advil contain steroids or cortisone?

Is this because I started making smoothies again?

I get really uncomfortable when I eat way to much food. Are you there, Wally? It's me, Confused.

Is this all because I'm lacking bubble in my butt?

I'm not 21 yet. If I can't drink alcohol legally, how am I supposed to form rational thoughts about my medical wellness?

For now I guess I'll have to stick to complete irrationality. But on the bright side, my friend made Wally a Twitter account.


If you're interested in real time updates about Wally's day to day life you're shit out of luck. But if you're interested in being aggressively yelled at by a seemingly British neck bump, today is your lucky day! And if you were wondering what I've been doing for the past 24 hours, well now you have your answer.

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If Wally is British, I have a few theories regarding British invasions and infiltration of the American medical system that I think deserve some attention. I know you're there, CIA. I'll be waiting on your call.

And you, Paul Rudd, I have some questions about your horse riding abilities. Paul Revere's dead, and your name is the next best thing.

What I Learned About German People Is...


I met a German person this weekend. Yes, you heard right. I'm cultured, motherfucker. Now that I've met a person from another part of the world I feel much more worldly and knowledgable than I did 5 days ago. Being the selfless civil servant that I am, I've decided to share this knowledge with all of you so that maybe you too can stop being an ignorant piece of shit. I may have only met one German person, but just like all the citizens of every other completely homogenous country, all German people are the same. So here are all the generalizations about German people that I've made from meeting one of them. keep-calm-and-learn-german

  • German people don't like tequila.
  • German people don't like sour 7/11 slurpies.
  • German people love Applebee's.


  • German people are very particular about how they play their card games.
  • German people's favorite American foods are mac n' cheese and cheese sticks, even though they haven't quite figured out remembering to refrigerate the cheese sticks, or that they shouldn't eat cheese sticks when they're not refrigerated.
  • German people should not be left alone in Chicago. New York City is fine, but Germans can't navigate Chicago.
  • German people are very judgmental about American names, even though German names are 10x weirder. That's a fact, not an opinion.
  • The rough translation of a popular German drinking cheers is "to the noodle, to the penis, to the desk" whatever that means.


  • If you don't look a German person in the eye when you cheers, you will either have gay kids or bad sex for 7 years.
  • Germans are not amused by Hitler jokes.
  • They are especially not amused by Hitler/Jew combo jokes.
  • In Germany, "water" refers to "sparkling water" which is probably why Germans have such an angry reputation because sparkling water is disgusting.
  • Germans don't understand how to open car windows.
  • German people's idea of a great night out drinking is making everyone puke.
  • Germans are very bad at flip cup.
  • Germans might be good at soccer, though that's not entirely clear. It was pretty dark.


Stay tuned for my breakout novel, I Offended Germany, And So Can You!, in stores and making headlines on morning talk shows around the country just in time for my announcement of my presidential candidacy!

My Attempt at BuzzFeeding Will BLOW YOUR MIND


Have you ever skimmed through BuzzFeed's homepage and just wanted to set fire to the rain pouring on their building and watch it crumble to the ground?. I have. But then I remembered that thoughts like that might make me a psychopath, so I thought why not try to help them with their problem. I took it upon myself to give them suggestions of articles to write to rid their image of ridiculous, clickbaitey articles with no actual substance. Seriously, these are very serious suggestions--seriously. Take note @BuzzFeed.

You won't believe what happened in this many times before seen clip of the High School Musical 2 song "I Don't Dance!"

Spoiler alert: they dance.

This Picture of Everything Taken From A Hoarders Foreclosed Home Is Everything!



The Travel Essential You Didn't Know You Needed

We bet you've never tried.... air before!

jenna air

Which One of Prince William's Pubic Hairs Are You?

We hear that's where all his head hair went ;).

Entirely British Slang Title That I Don't Understand Due to My Lack of Being British

Open for more British slang and unnecessary "u"s in all your favoUrite words, coloURs and adventuoruouor stouries, since nobody in America writes for BuzzFeed anymore--or so it seems.

10 Fan Theories About Why My Father Doesn't Love Me That Might Actually Be True!

Maybe he really is mad about that time I framed him for murder...

16 Things That Happen When You Get Shot 16 Times

Pain, ow, probably death, the bleedy bleeds, new body holes, loud noises, karma for being a rambunctious child, human swiss cheese, a little embarrassment that you got ambushed that hard, more death, one less mouth for your mother to feed, most likely murder, the beat to a new techno song, human swimming pool, overachieving, and your tweets still not getting noticed by One Direction.

Some Guy Made a Mashup of Gossip Girl and ISIS and It's Perfect!

We bet you didn't know ISIS had a theme song!

5 Things Your Mom Forgot At The Grocery Store That You Need Right Now

  • eggs
  • milk
  • lard
  • rye bread (don't you fucking dare come back with wheat)
  • your grandmother


10 Things Dead People Do When They're Dead That They'll Never Tell You Because They're Dead

15 Times A Celebrity Had An Instagram Account And Used It

#adorable #puppies #kale #paidforpromotion

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12 Pictures That Are Way Too Real For People Of All Ages



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Odds Molly Gets Hired By BuzzFeed After This Post

Probably 0. LOL WIN WTF Cute!

Everything I Lost When My Hard Drive Crashed


Over the weekend the inevitable happened: my hard drive crashed. Given my unimpressive track record with technology, I really wasn't all that surprised--my first assumption was that I'd gotten a virus from too much reckless drunken web surfing--and, like every other person who's hard drive has crashed at some point, I'd been meaning to back everything up for about 2 years now. Now obviously I lost a good amount of things that are a pain in the ass not to have--all my school work, copies of articles I've written, bank account information--but I also lost parts of my life that can never be replaced. Back account routing numbers may come and go, but these things never will again:

Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging

I bought it on iTunes in high school and it is no longer in my iTunes. I don't want to talk about how many times I've seen it, it'll just make me more upset.

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My sound settings for incoming mail, texts, and things of that nature

I got distracted by playing 2 minutes of trumpet sounds until my roommate left my apartment and I was sick of listening to ringtones.

Every heinous picture I've taken that FaceBook wasn't prepared to see

So basically every picture I've ever taken.

My poorly put together resume

That took me about 2 years to perfect.

This picture that I photoshopped of a turtle holding the Mexican flag in space.


Fortunately my friend set it as his cover photo, so we're all good.

This picture that I photoshopped of my friend and I covered in cats.


Fortunately she set it as her cover photo, so we're all good with that, too.

My computer background


Imagine this picture, except instead of licking fish, I'm chucking deuces, and instead of fish, the background is a fat cat rolling in a pile of money. You can do great things with the Internet and Photo Booth.

Every thought I've ever had jotted down in my Notes

3 years of dumb ideas for a screenplay gone to waste.

All of my autosaved passwords

No, I don't remember the password for my twitter account that I set up in 2011. I especially don't remember the password I made for my spam AOL account that I created to troll people on Tinder.

My friend's autosaved Pinterest password

"CollegeLife" "Stud Muffins" "BasicallyItsFashion" and "Cows That Look Like Squares". One of those things is not like the other ones...


Easy & Delicious DIY Summer Coffee Smoothie

Aloha bubble buddies!

Your fav DIY guru here with a summer treat guaranteed to cool you off in style. I've concocted this super delicious, super DIY, super liquidy smoothie that's so easy, it's probably been paid to perform sexual acts. You don't even have to go out and buy extra ingredients, everything you need is right in your kitchen, all ready, no preparation needed.

Let's get started!

First start off by making your coffee.


Now strain the coffee through a pasta strainer to make sure you get out any debris or pollutants. As you pour it, whisper compliments to it so it feels safe; this will make it more willing to cooperate.


Pour your coffee--who's self-esteem is super high thanks to you--over this chunk of frozen coffee you that you made a couple weeks ago.


Add in a semi-thawed banana that you also froze around the same time as the coffee, and blend until it's smooth and frothy.


Pour your mixture into your other smoothie and blend it for 30 seconds to really bring out the burning rubber smell of the blender.


Once you've finished your blending, pour your smoothie into a large bowl. Then pour it into a medium bowl, and then again into a small bowl. Waterfalls are so in during the summer!

*Don't worry if you spill a little bit on the counter while your pouring out of the wrong side of a bowl, you have a maid to clean that up*


In the smaller bowl, add a handful of frozen corn and 1/2 a popsicle, and stir until combined.

*Make sure you hold on to the other half of the popsicle, we'll be needing it later*


We want to keep with the summery color scheme of our smoothie, so we're going to garnish it with oregano, cinnamon powder, and strawberry jelly. Just look how the pinkness of the jelly and yellowness of the corn really bring out the brownness of the blended banana!


Once everything's all mixed together, pour your mixture back into the small bowl. Then, once it's in the small bowl, transfer it into the medium bowl, and then into the large one; you know the drill!


Now that everything's been decanted, pour it all back into your first blender and blend until it starts to foam. Your smoothie's all done, it's time to plate it.


Summer is all about those cute little mason jars, and I chose this green one because I think it looks super cute paired with the underbelly of a chihuahua-like brown of the drink.


Decorate the rim of the glass with the other half of the popsicle, and top it off with a fork, knife, spoon, and straw; I can be so indecisive about what utensils I want to use, I like to have them all in there to be prepared.

Sip and enjoy, everyone!


Memoirs of a Medical Mystery Volume 1: The Troubling Tales of a Mild Hypochondriac


So I have a mysterious swollen lump on my neck. I don't know what it is, I've been to both an urgent care and a dermatologist who don't know what it is, and I look like a hunchback. See below: IMG_1254

Here's what I do know: it's swollen, it's roughly 5cm x 6 cm big, there's a 99% chance it's benign, and I've now had 1 too many steroid shots to the hip and 3 too many anti-inflammatory shots to the neck than I'd ever liked to have. Also, I'm mildly a hypochondriac.

I'm not a hypochondriac in the sense that a missed high-five to the face gets me screaming irreversible brain damage; I'm a hypochondriac in that I don't understand medicine whatsoever, so when I do get unfamiliarly sick, significantly injured, or develop mysterious swollen bumps in places, I absolutely freak. the fuck. out. Not out loud, but in my mind. Since I got the bump about 3 weeks ago, I've spent pretty much all of my conscious time stressed and anxious about said bump, which typically doesn't bode well for a person's health. So, since I got the bump 3 weeks ago, I also got a cold, which has since gone away, and acid reflux, which has not.

The logical explanation for all of this? At some point in the past month, I hit the back of neck, forgot about it (something I actually do to all my other extremities a lot), and then got really stressed out by not knowing what it was (despite being told it was benign multiple times) causing stress-induced acid reflux (which I've had multiple times before, not the stress induced-part, but the acid reflux part).

What did I actually assume happened to me? All of these.

Bug bite

This was the first logical assumption--deathly cancer came in first overall. I assumed it after my friend and the person at urgent care told me to.


I didn't know what an abscess was until my friend who noticed the bump explained one to me. Then I assumed it was an abscess until the woman at urgent care told me it wasn't. I went out on a limb and trusted her opinion more.


Another one of the things my friend listed off as a possibility so I would stop assuming it was deathly cancer.


Those bumps under the swelling (my spine) can't possibly be my spine (they are), so they have to be tumors right? Not at all.


I'm fully aware that cancer is a tumor, and yet this thought still popped into my mind. I've also been told numerous times (by both medical professionals and farthest-thing-from-professionals) that anything malignant wouldn't just pop up out of the blue that fast and with no other symptoms, but we're still here aren't we.

Multiple cancerous tumors

I've watched too much House in my lifetime.

Some sort of something that requires surgery on my neck, which would be botched, leaving me paralyzed for the rest of my life

This one came right after deathly cancer while waiting in line at Disneyland for Tower of Terror, my absolute most hated ride of all time.


For all you plebes out there, a lipoma is a benign tumor made of fat. Sexy, I know. My friend's friend's mom diagnosed me via text.


Heart attack

Every time I get a cold, my heart beats a little faster than usual to fight le virus. Since I had le neck bump I forgot all about le virus, and assumed le accelerated heart rate was le death of me. It only took me about a day to figure that one out. Then I got acid reflux. Again, I didn't make the connection that I had acid reflux, so I assumed the nausea, heartburn, and chest discomfort were a heart attack. And then a day later I also figured that one out.


My only reference point for what happens during a stroke is what I saw on an episode of Family Guy. Since Peter got his from eating too many cheeseburgers, I'm assuming it has something to do with your heart. Somehow I made a leap from that to heartburn, which I'm fully aware doesn't actually have anything to do with your heart.

Blood clot

Something has to cause the heart attack.

Deathly air bubble in my esophagus

Part of the sex appeal of acid reflux is a combination of excess stomach gas that needs to be burped out, and an uncooperative esophagus that refuses to burp--hence perpetual air bubble. I once saw an episode of CSI where a guy killed another guy by injecting an air bubble into his eye, which is basically the same thing, right? This is why I can't have nice things.

Deadly ulcer in my esophagus

Once I recognized the acid reflux, I remembered that acid from your stomach isn't supposed to hang out outside your stomach. I'm assuming it takes more than a few days for an ulcer to form, but I don't really know ulcers work.

Deadly ulcer in my stomach

I seriously don't know how ulcers work.

Dry drowning

I've been swimming once in the last 3 months.

Heart murmur

I heard a contestant on Big Brother say they had one and automatically assumed it would be life threatening if I got one. I still don't know what it is.

In my defense, I got the flu freshman year and was the only one that didn't freak out when I had symptoms mirroring bacterial meningitis. Those fucking hypochondriacs...

The 2015 MLB Butt Awards | National League Edition


I already covered the American League, you know where this is going.

The 2015 MLB Butt Awards: Brought to You by the Mothers and Fathers of the Bootylicious National League Starters

The Sassy Classy Assy Award- Manager Bruce Bochy

Bruce Bochy

A lady always crosses her legs.

The Baby's Bottom Award- C Buster Posey

Buster Posey

To compliment his baby face.

The L'High of Dat Ass Award- 1B Paul Goldschmidt

What sort of integrity would I have if I didn't go for the easy Jew joke? Probably actual integrity.

The Rug Burn Award- 2B Dee Gordon

Dee Gordon

"You want a seat, Dee?" "Nah man I'm good I'll stand.

The Watch Me Whip Award- SS Jhonny Peralta

Jhonny Peralta

Nay nay not pictured.

The Yogi's Free Guest Award- 3B Todd Frazier

Todd Frazier

Do I yoga yet? Is this sculpting? Is this even right? Is anything about yoga right?

The 'It's Dirt I Swear' Award- OF Bryce Harper


There's always one guy, Bryce, there's always one guy...

The Oblivious Puppy Award- OF Matt Holliday

Matt Holliday

Awarded to the man who will wiggle his butt given any chance to catch the ball, even if it's the wrong type of ball.

The Most Beat Up Booty Award- OF Giancarlo Stanton

Giancarlo Stanton

We're still looking for someone that's shocked you'll be out because of an injury.

The 2015 MLB Butt Awards | American League Edition


Last night the rosters were released for the 2015 MLB All-Star Game. At this year's All-Star Game, live every year before it, we'll honor the 9 American League and 8 National League starters for making the first half of our national past time so great; but I want to honor what makes them so great: their asses.

Yes, it's a proven fact that baseball uniforms and baseball players have the best butts--proven by my personal preference and that's all that matters--so I'm going to celebrate those butts today, with the *now annual MLB Butt Awards.

The 2015 MLB Butt Awards: Brought to You by the Mothers and Fathers of the Bootylicious American League Starters

The Honorary Booty Wrangler Award- Manager Ned Yost

Division Series - Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim v Kansas City Royals - Game Three

We wouldn't be here today if not for the managerial efforts of this man.

The Nicki Minaj Fangirl Award- C Salvador Perez

He's still perfecting his form.

The Human Butt Lift Award- 1B Miguel Cabrera


The future of non-invasive cosmetic surgery.

The Get Low Award- 2B Jose Altuve

 Jose Altuve

Good things come in small packages.

 The Come From Behind Surprise Award- SS Alcides Escobar

No one predicted that would be there.

The Most Popular Booty Award- 3B Josh Donaldson

Looks like somebody will be showing up at their high school reunion after all.

The Slidin' Into Yo' DMs Award- OF Mike Trout

America thanks you for slidin' dat ass into those pants.

 The High School Musical Award- OF Lorenzo Cain

Soaring, flying, and breaking free... all at once.

The Stairstepper Infomercial Award- OF Alex Gordon

Alex Gordon

"For only 12 easy payments of $199.99 you'll get a machine so compact, you can't even see it!"

The Genetically Enhanced 'Ass 2.0' Award- DH Nelson Cruz

Is your ass a parking ticket? Because it's got 50 game PED suspension written all over it. *wink*

--Stay tuned tomorrow for the National League Edition--

Some Questions For The City of Los Angeles


Dear Los Angeles, I have some questions for you.

You may have notice the I've been a little absent from the blog in recently, and by recently I mean the past 5 days, and by you I mean my friends who only read this when they get bored at work. Go back to work, Ali. If, on the off chance, your name isn't Ali and you were genuinely wondering why you were forcibly deprived from comedic brilliance, I was in LA for the weekend visiting a friend. I've never been to LA before, and the last time I was in California I was maybe 13 and visiting my parents' friends' house in Napa, where I locked myself in their home movie theatre for the entirety of the visit. Prior to this weekend, my knowledge of LA consisted of terrible traffic, sunshine, rabbit food, presumably annoying celebrities, and the entire YouTube population--basically Florida, but more veiled idiocy. Naturally, when I got here I was immediately confused by a few things... and then a few more... and then a shit ton more. And that's how we got here. So once again I did what I normally do when faced with a place I don't understand; I wrote down all of my questions in the hopes that someone might help me out here, even though I know no one will.

About your airport:

  • Why is your airport an absolute shit show?
  • Where the actual fuck is your security checkpoint and how do I get to it?
  • Why did the lines to get to security resemble those of the lines at disney land
  • Why did I watch a TSA agent get scolded for “not using their eyes” while the other person held up an ID and a boarding pass to their face?
  • Why are there more people sitting on the floor than in chairs?
  • Why is my flight delayed?
  • Why is my 10:30 p.m. flight the only one I could get?
  • Why do you carry Spirit Airlines?

About your geography:

  • So are you not the same thing as Orange County or Beverly Hills?
  • And what about Hollywood?
  • Is Hollywood different from LA?
  • Why do you call LA a city when it’s really just a cluster of like 7 cities?
  • Is there any cities you don’t just incorporate and call LA?
  • Why do you have so many highways?
  • Are you aware that highways can go North-South and East-West, and not haphazard angle-haphazard angle?
  • Why do your neighborhood abbreviations sound like Teletubbies names?

About your traffic:

  • What the actual fuck?
  • Why can none of you pull out of a parking lot or make a right turn without simultaneously pulling into an oncoming car?
  • How do you not shoot yourself every time you get in your car?
  • Are you taught road rage at driving school?
  • Do you really need all those highways?
  • How many bikers does the average Los Angelunatic run over in a typical week?
  • If a red Porsche convertible leaves point A at 3:30 pm, a black Range Rover SUV leaves point B at 3:55 pm, and point A and point B are 2 miles apart, why will they crash into each other after the 45 minute drive a every single time?

About your food:

  • What’s with all the tea everywhere?
  • Why are egg whites your automatic cafe omelette ingredient and the full egg the substitute?
  • Does anyone actually order the pancakes/waffles at a breakfast place?
  • Why do I have to pay for my bags at Trader Joe's?
  • Why have you yet to demolish The Bigg Chill and replace it with an ice cream or froyo place that’s actually palatable?

About In-N-Out specifically:

  • What’s with all the hype with In-N-Out?
  • Why do you hype up In-N-Out to be more than it is, which is the #1 shitty fast-food burger place?
  • Y u no share In-N-Out?
  • Of all the reputations of states’ eating habits, do you really think it’s appropriate that you get In-N-Out and not Don’t-Come-In-We-Don’t-Serve-Egg-Whites?

About LA in general:

  • Why are all your dogs so small?
  • Why was I not the fattest person here? I was expecting to be the fattest person here. You're reputation is misleading.
  • Are all of you allergic to baggy sweatshirts or workout clothes not by Lululemon, Athleta, or a celebrity?
  • Why is your cell service so goddamn terrible?
  • Is there a way to pronounce "LA" without sounding like a douche?
  • Why is your reaction to all the smog “Yeah that’s just the smog."

I'll be waiting for someone to get back to me, but not in traffic.

The Relatable Playlist For Maneuvering Home Depot


Have you ever gone to Home Depot and immediately felt the urge to go ballistic on an aisle of extremely fragile porcelain? Me too. I went to Home Depot this morning to get an allen wrench and a grill lighter--that's only two items if you're struggling with the math--and let me tell you, those 45 minutes were straight out of fucking hell. We all go to Home Depot for different reasons, but that doesn't mean we can't all hate it with a deep, burning passion just the same. But I want to share more with my fellow Home Depot patrons than just violent thoughts about a hardware store, so I made a Home Depot playlist. It's not just any type of playlist, though, it's a relatable playlist, which means every song was hand-picked to remind you just how much you wish you were anywhere else in the world but Home Depot. Even the set of Slumdog Millionaire. They may have to deal with literal shit, but at least they don't have to deal with this bullshit.

Molly Ade's Maneuvering Home Depot Playlist: Sponsored by Confused Frustration, In Partnership With Angry Regret

Shots- Imagine Dragons

For when you need to ease the pain before you even leave for the store.

Maps- Maroon 5

For when you walk in the story and wonder immediately why everyone isn't given a complimentary Sacagawea.

I'm Just A Kid- Simple Plan

For the only time in your life you'll wish you were back in high school so your parents would be the ones here instead of you.

It Comes Back To You- Imagine Dragons

For when every trip down an aisle lands you back with the power tools, even though you don't want any power tools.

Round And Round- Imagine Dragons

For when you turn on the Nike running app while you're in the store and it shows you your walking path.

All I Ever Want Is You- Tim McMorris

For when you stare into the abyss of tangible stainless steel refrigerators and piles of plywood, but can only imagine the one item you want.

How Many Times- DJ Khaled

For when the loud speaker calls Steve to customer assistance for the 7th time, but Steve is still not at customer assistance.

The Night Is Still Young- Nicki Minaj

For when you try to convince yourself you haven't wasted your entire day here, just most of it.

Slow Motion- Try Songz

The speed you'll have to walk if you want to have any chance of spotting that one small nut in a sea of bolts and toilet bowl covers.

Who Knows?- Natasha Bedingfield

For when you realize grill coals and bathroom cleaners are in the same aisle and wonder what aisle of completely unrelated shit you'll have to search through to find what you want.

Watch Me- Silento

What every employee is doing instead of helping you, even though you've been spinning around in circles for the past 5 minutes.

Thinking Out Loud- Ed Sheeran

For when the watching has gone on for 15 minutes and you need some other way to get their attention.

Where U Been?-

For when you finally find that screwdriver you were looking for for the past 45 minutes.

Wait In Line- James Bay

What you want to do, if only you could actually find the check out.

Another Last Goodbye- Aerosmith

For when you swear this will be the last trip you'll ever make, even though that's not true.

My Shiny Teeth and Me- Chip Skylark

Because Home Depot found a way to be the one thing less appealing than the dentist.

Dear Dad, On The Day After Father's Day


Yesterday was Father's Day, for those that don't have Facebook and couldn't be reminded of it constantly by scrolling through their newsfeed. Like many people I have a dad. This is my dad: IMG_2731

Hey Dad.

To honor all of the majesticity and dadliness that is Bob Ade, my family celebrated yesterday but going out for a National Bob Ade Day brunch. Unfortunately they went to brunch in Miami, some 1,300 miles away from Ann Arbor, so I wasn't able to join. To make up for that, I thought I'd give my Dad some well overdue thank yous, except not really. I could thank you for all you've done for me that past 20 years, but I think it'd be more appropriate if I apologized to all the shit I did to you over the past 20 years. So...

Dear Dad,

Sorry for hating Star Wars and being as difficult and annoying as possible every time you, Mom, or Keenan made me watch it.

Sorry for getting us both food poisoning in Prague and making you sit in the hotel with me watching Czech game shows while Mom and Keenan went sight-seeing.

Sorry for eating all your gluten-free pretzels.

Sorry I forgot to get you a beautiful maize and blue hat so that you wouldn't be forced to wear this ugly one.


Sorry for only liking some of your cheesy Facebook statuses, and not all of them.

Sorry for refusing to eat the weird colored melon because it "tasted gross" even though it tasted exactly like normal melon.

Sorry for that one time I went to Ryan's house with Keenan even though we weren't allowed to go there, and sorry again for lying absolutely terribly when you andMom asked if we had gone there. I know we didn't actually go to CVS to get candy, you know we didn't go to CVS to get candy, and Mom knows we didn't go to CVS to get candy.

Sorry for all those times I woke you up because there was a lizard in my room and I didn't want to get it out myself.

Sorry for all those times I woke you up because I insisted on watching TV really loudly.

Sorry for trying kite surfing on your trainer kite once before giving up because it was hard. In my defense, Keenan set unrealistic expectations.


Sorry for hating the beach and refusing to go with you pretty much every time yoIMG_0031u asked.

Sorry for taking this picture even though you asked me not to. It's pretty sick though.

Sorry for hating taking pictures and making every picture we take together incredibly difficult and uncomfortable.

Sorry for the time I got us kicked off our car insurance because I caused a 20 mph 5 car pileup on the highway when I was 16.

Sorry for laughing in my head every time I see an old picture of you with an afro. IMG_2754

Sorry for having the same attitude towards half the things you or Mom suggest as I did towards this bag of apples.

Sorry for being the worst travel companion, especially when it comes to museums.

Sorry for that time I was having none of your physics scavenger hunt you made me and my friend do in middle school, even though you were super excited about it.

Sorry for being terrible at physics, and all science in general.

Sorry for not posting the obligatory sentimental Father's Day Facebook post with an old picture of us together.

Sorry for forgetting half the things that should be on this list.

Sorry for wishing you a happy Mother's Day yesterday.

Sorry for doing this a day late.

Love, Molly

50 Shades of Drafts


After successfully playing the avoiding game for the last 4 years, last night I finally caved. That's right, I watched 50 Shades of Grey. I got roped into reading the first roughly 20 pages of the book in high school before I just couldn't handle the stupidity any longer. Since then I've been able to do a pretty good job of avoiding it at all costs, but all good things come to and end. In this case, the good thing was my trust in movies.

I didn't really know exactly why it was called 50 Shades of Grey until Christian Grey calls himself '50 shades of fucked up', but now that I know, I don't think that title is really appropriate. I don't think it really captures the true essence of what 50 Shades of Grey really is, and I have a few ideas for titles that do. If you've seen the movie, you'll exactly why these are 10x better; if you haven't, well now you don't have to.

(I know I'm a little late to the 50 Shades mockery party, but a new book in the series was released (unfortunately), so we'll just attribute my timing to that.)

50 Shades of Drafts: Book Titles That Probably Got Thrown Out But Shouldn't Have

  • 120 Minutes, 0 Comfortable Moments

  • A Film Portrayal of Your Abnormal Psychology Textbook

  • The Prequel to a Murder

  • Your Parents' Sex Life Before You Were Born

  • The Guy Who Never Learned How To Properly Take His Shirt Off

  • Would You Believe Toast Could Be Sexy?

  • A Tale of Two Titties

  • "Are You Gay?": The Sexiest New Pickup Line

  • The Girl Who Gets Turned on by Literally Everything

  • The Girl Who Could Probably Get Turned by a Lightbulb

  • Eye Fucking In An Elevator

  • Constant Interruptions of Eye Fucking In the Elevator

  • Romantic Communication on a 6th Grade Level

  • Biting Lips Never Looked Less Sexy

  • Twilight: More Sex, More Mouth Breathing

  • The Hardware Store Just Got Harder

  • Another One Bites the Bush

  • Anal Fisting

Yup, I'm still uncomfortable.

Culturally Significant Movies Summarized By A Person Who's Never Seen Them | Part 1


Have you ever looked through IMDb's list of the 100 most culturally significant films in the past century and thought, "Yeah, those movies were all really great." I haven't. I've seen maybe 10 of these. When I look through this list, I think, "I'd probably understand cultural references more if I hadn't watched Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging 17 times instead." Since I don't understand most movie references, I thought it'd be fun to prove just how culturally inept I am by giving my own plot summaries of these incredibly important and renowned movies that I have not, and probably never will, see. All of the plot summaries you are about to see are 100% what I now, or at some point in the recent past, believe these movies to be about. Some are based off of conversations with friends about them that I paid little attention to, and others solely on the title. In most cases, I don't actually know how accurate, or more likely inaccurate, these synopses are because I still don't know what a majority of these are about. I don't know yet how many parts this series will have because there are always important movie coming out that, as history tells us, I will never see.

Please try to get through this without hating me.

Lord of the Rings

A group of peasants wander through a forest filled with mythical creatures. Eventually they reach some mountain with an eye on it that really likes its ring. It takes 3 movies for the main characters to fight for this ring; there's probably an explosion at some point and maybe even a wedding. Starring Frito Lay, Bag of Dildos, and pre-exorcism Dobby saying "my precious."

The Hobbit

Everyone in Lord of the Rings was extra mean to one guy because he was super short and probably not as sexy as some heart-throb main character, so they made this spin-off showing everyone just how shitty the "little person"'s life is to make some extra cash in the box office.

Saving Private Ryan

Brokeback Mountain, except they all go off to war.

The Godfather

Some old Italian dude who has probably never actually been to Italy runs a mob ring. He's scary, his brothers are scary, his friends are scary, and they all kill pretty much everyone. Oh and his wife is probably in on the mob and at the same time completely oblivious. Eventually they all die, and instead of continuing the mobster family business, their sons vow to make New York/Chicago/on second thought it probably takes place in New York a better place. Starring either Al Pacino or someone playing Al Capone. Probably not starring the real Al Capone, he dead.

The Shawshank Redemption

Two men go to jail after being ratted out by their lawbreaking buddy and accomplice. They break out of jail and seek vengeance on their former friend. In the end they feed their friend to some sharks for whatever reason, and then got shot at and die. While they were in jail, one of them probably dropped the soap, which led to some deep psychological issues, as well as the graphic nature of their friend's death.

Good Will Hunting*

I did actually watch this movie for the first time last fall. Prior to that I assumed it was a movie about hunting, where all the main characters go into the woods and only some of them survive. I can't imagine it being considered a one-in-a-million movie if they magically all come out alive; that's why it's good will hunting, because they try to be all good willed and keep everyone alive, but in the end somebody fucks up.


I genuinely thought this movie was some story about a horse. Now that I've seen a gif with two people kissing in front of a plane, something tells me it is either about a romantic tale where the girl runs away with the horse--who is already on the plane--or there is no horse.

Indiana Jones

The wild wild west meets ancient Egypt in this classic thriller where Indiana Jones, a guy with a cool hat and an even cooler name, spends too much time with a small Asian boy and a useless female sidekick whom he will probably bang once the credits start rolling. I imagine this to somewhat like National Treasure, where they go on unnecessarily dangerous adventures just to find some missing treasure, except instead of fighting fellow treasure hunters in the name of saving his family's reputation, Indiana fights the only quicksand ever to exist on earth and an unusual abundance of caving-in walls, all in the name of maybe getting in some good cardio.

Napoleon Dynamite

Pre-Blades of Glory Jimmy MacElroy goes to high school with his stereotypical Mexican friend Pedro. Pedro tries to win something, presumably some sort of school government position--hence the catchphrase 'Vote for Pedro'--and Jimmy's only other friend is a Llama named Tina, also known as the fat lard. They go about their lives in the most awkward way possible, and someone gets a fake ID from Hawaii with the name 'McLovin'. That last part may be from something else.

Breakfast at Tiffany's

Audrey Hepburn eats breakfast at a jewelry store with a hot guy for approximately 120 minutes. At the end of their bowel-destroying feast, he tells her he loves her, and she says 'thank you.' Then they probably go off and shit World War III. Romance.

30 Under 30 Who Will Never Make A 30 Under 30 (Again)


Some people are destined to do great things from the day they're born. Those are the people that end up gracing the cover of Forbes Magazine before their 30th birthday. Some people get really high, drive on the wrong side of the highway to McDonald's at 3 a.m., and call it a Wednesday night. Those are the people being celebrated here, because there's no chance in hell they'll ever make it on another 30 under 30 list, at least not a positive one.

30. Johann Verheem

Creator of the Shake Weight.

29. Anyone named Viveca.

That is not a name.

28. Anyone named Bryce.

This is not the 1990's.

27. Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnson aka Bristol Palin's son

Not only does he have Sarah Palin running through his veins, his name will forever remind you that was an accident.

"Hey what happened to Bristol?"

"Oh, she tripped on the sidewalk and now she has a child."

26. The woman who once stopped me in a mall and asked if I'd consider modeling

You're clearly going no where in your career if your idea of scouting is the socially awkward, acne covered 12 year old that was me in 6th grade.


25. Donald Trump

Honestly if there ever was a 60 year old man/carton of pure Florida orange juice to try to pass himself off as under 30, that 60 year old man/carton of pure Florida orange juice would be Donald Trump. Even if he was age eligible, he calls himself The Donald. Self-appointed douchenozzle nicknames are automatic disqualifications.

24. Jenna from 13 Going on 30

She automatically has less than half the chance of doing anything more significant than outgrowing shitting in diapers just given the fact that she lost the latter 17 of her illegible years. If we add in the fact that she is both a 13 year old, who are the worst human beings on earth, and the fact that she is pretty high up in the ranking of shitty 13 year olds, we should just be glad she's outgrown shitting her pants.

23. My 4th grade karate instructor

Claiming me as a product of your karate instructing is nothing to brag about.

22. The owner of the bar studio that gave me a free headband

I know I'm an anti-marketing ploy for your fitness center when people see me wearing it, but you should have thought of that before you gave me a free headband and expected me to buy other headbands.

21. My freshman year roommate

She genuinely believes Adam Sandler is funnier than Will Ferrell. Hi Amanda, how's the Caribbean?


20. The manager of my nearest Chipotle

You run a terrible Chipotle.

19. Hot Jim Plumber

I don't even know where to begin with that one.

18. The color puce

I have no problem with your color, it's your name that makes me want to roll myself up in a hot dog bun and serve myself as a pig in a blanket at a child's birthday party. Did the person that named you really hate you that much, or were they just a poor unfortunate soul that decided to name their discovery after their truly awful last name?

17. My brother

He once got shot in the eye with a bebe gun because he and his friend thought it would be a good idea to point an "empty" bebe gun at his eye.


16. North Dakota

If any of you were going to do anything, we would have heard of it by now. It's been 126 years...

15. Carly Rae Jepsen

You let this happen.

14. The dolphin I refused to kiss out of fear when I went swimming with dolphins

If I ever become famous, you won't get to claim the title of one of Molly Ade's scandalous ex-hookups.

13. Matthew Lewis circa early 2000's

You find me one person that genuinely wanted to bang Neville Longbottom. Not young Matthew Lewis, the unfortunately dorky Harry Potter actor. Neville Longbottom, the Neville Longbottom, in all his knockoff Matilda glory.


12. Danielle Radcliffe circa early 2000's

Again, Deathly Hallows Dan: phenomenal. Daniel Radcliffe in his first Harry Potter appearance? Not so much. I'm not saying I could have done any better--I have the acting skills of a dropped potato--but some of the scenes from the first movie looked like they were straight out of a Disney Channel acting tutorial on how to pull off the most over the top and unrealistic techniques in the book. Here's a refresher (1:50) if you still don't believe me--and yes I was too lazy to find the clip itself on my own, I'm a piece of shit I know.


11. The rabbit that attacked Jimmy Carter

He was a United States President you imbecile!

10. Anyone born on a leap year

It's just not fair that you'll probably be "under 30" for the rest of your life. Who's to be the judge of when your're under 30 and when you're not?

9. Benjamin Button

I don't even want to try touching on how all your shit works. On a basic level, your first 30 years of your very nonfictional life are all as an old man, and the most impressive thing my grandpa can do is not crash his car. I can't imagine you beating that.

8. British people

You need to learn how to spell center and color before your spot on this list can be up for discussion. You'll also need to revisit your consumption of blood sausages and why you don't find them absolutely fucking disgusting.

Seriously, the fuck is that shit?

7. This Justin Bieber look-alike

Or any person that tries to make themselves more like Justin Bieber really.

6. My hairdresser

I'm sorry I keep coming back too.

5. Anyone who has ever modeled for Abercrombie or Hollister

There is no coming back from this.

4. Any child that appeared on Toddlers & Tiaras

They'll be too busy paying for both their and their parents' psychotherapy. And probably their dog's psychotherapy and weekly pedicure bill.

3. My friends

You guys brought this on yourselves.


2. Anyone that's ever starred in a Lifetime original movie

You should have seen this coming...


1. Me

This is what I do in my spare time.

All The Cats

My Real Life Rom-Com Moment


I've always been both a lover of romantic comedies and firm believer that they were completely unrealistic bullshit.

Yesterday one of those changed.

I was making my way downtown, walking fast, faces passed, I was sushi bound. I wasn't body wrapped in sushi or handcuffed in seaweed or anything like that, I was going to a sushi place for a very unneeded second dinner. I don't know what it is, but the thought of sliced Nemo's mom garnished with Nemo's unborn baby siblings has never failed to leave me feeling aphrodesi-tastic.

popin sushi

Everything about the situation screamed romance: I was on my way to third wheel a couple, I had spent the previous night watching vlogs of a couple getting a puppy, I was wearing my fanciest "I dug this out of the depths of my laundry-less closet" dress--a $3 tank top, my roommate's flip flops, and baggy Nike shorts-- and my hair was in an elegant updo that could only mean two things: I was on my way to an elegant, romantic wedding, or my hair was too full of grease and dry shampoo to be let loose on the village people. I was basically a walking boombox of baby making music.


With one crossing of the street keeping me from the sushi restaurant I hit a red light, my only red light. Stop signal, more like signal from the universe amirite? I stood on the street corner, looking around in awe and wonderment of why there couldn't be a stop sign at that corner like every other one on that street, when out of the corner of my eye I saw him. The one.

I can still picture him in my mind perfectly: he had dark skin, eyes, a smile, and short hair dark hair, all which was beautifully accentuated by his garments made out of what I can only assume was a type of fabric.

I guess he was as mesmerized by my presence as I was his, because next thing I knew his body rammed into me like a sexy NASCAR crash. I can only assume this was some sort of soulmate ritual I'd never heard of. Hey single men out there, this could be your next foolproof move.

He stopped. We looked at each other. He sensually whispered "I'm sorry." I responded with my sexiest "That's okay." As he pulled away he whispered in my ear, "Till we meet again." We locked eyes as we reluctantly parted ways, him continuing on, and me still waiting for the Mr. Crosswalkmen to show up.

Just kidding.

I stood on the street corner looking around out of boredom. I saw him walking towards me but thought nothing of it because the basic laws of common sense dictate that an object in motion will stay in motion, and an object at rest in the direct path of the object in motion can't just disappear out of thin air because this isn't the fucking Incredibles and Frozone isn't going to weave you a magical ice path through all the other peasant pedestrians.

Despite looking straight at me as he rounded the corner he still managed to walk right into me. He laughed and apologized to which I responded, "It's okay." He tried to apologize again, this time trying to make eye contact, but I'm too awkward of a person for normal social interaction, so I just stuck to empty area between his shoulder and neck contact. I didn't stick my face in the crook of his neck, I just stared at it.

He went his own way and I crossed the street. I looked back at him once, and to my amazement witnessed him walk past a dumpster and street lamp without bumping into either. Maybe he really is incredible after all.

End scene.

Okay so I lied in the beginning; I still think rom-coms will forever be the reason I have to make up bullshit excuses as to why some guy my friend hooked up with hasn't texted her back. I also still love them, specifically the one in Friends With Benefits that Mila Kunis' character is obsessed with. I mean how can you not be, it's potentially every single romance cliche known to emotionally unstable woman, balled up into one sarcastically cheesy delivery. Seriously, if someone turns this into a real life movie I will personally sabotage whatever small amount of game I have by using quotes from it as pickup lines. Call my bluff I dare you.