10 Things That Stand Out Less Than My Friends At Straight Outta Compton


I hate rap music. My friends love rap music. My friends are also incredibly fucking basic. We had entire day dedicated to being "so autumn" last year... So imagine my dismay when I saw this: compton

In fairness to them this wasn't completely shocking, I've had to sit through many a rap-filled car ride/pregame/incredibly terrible Netflix movie that I'll never be able to erase from my mind--lookin' at you, Al. But still, no matter where they go to see it, they will inevitably be the drunk freshman girl at her very first college football game. Sure, she may be the modern day Sheryl Yoast, but she's also wearing a tutu and has "go sports!" written across her face, so no one will even think to ask. Don't believe me?

Meet Amber!

Amber likes gymnastics, arugula, and getting her appendix out! The daughter of America's most beloved Scrabble master, Amber is straight outta the Long Island suburbs.


Meet Ali!

Ali likes egg whites, yoga, and the wizarding world of investment banking! Voted most likely to have already participated in a fencing tournament, Ali is straight outta the suburbs of New Jersey.


Meet Brooke!

Brooke dislikes people, places, and things, but loves living in the same room as me! Asleep an average of 18 hours of the day, Brooke is straight outta Bumblefuck Michigan.


Glad we've cleared that up. Seeing as I refuse to sit through the movie, I won't be able to see their spectacle with my own eyes, so I can only imagine it'll look something like these, except, ya know, less natural:

This dog who just got stood up

This fox checking on his finances

This bear



This man waiting for someone to open the door

This seal who is also at Straight Outta Compton

This penguin who forgot how to penguin

This piece of pizza that was left out over night

This woman who exaggerated a bit on her Tinder profile

And finally...

Amber's bruise on her leg/arm/body/face/foot/somewhere?

IMG_1505Amber, if you don't get that thing checked out, you may no longer be invited...