Culturally Significant Movies Summarized By A Person Who’s Never Seen Them | Part 2


It's been a while since I did part 1 of the series, and in that time I've seen one movie. 50 Shades of Grey. Let's get this over with.

Super Bad

Michael Cera wears spandex in his first and last film in spandex, and also probably as a superhero--although there might be a sequal? Superhero Michael Cera fights crime while simultaneously trying to become a cool kid at his high school. Eventually he and his friends throw a super badass party after buying fake IDs from Hawaii with the alias McLovin'. Someone needs to explain this McLovin' shit to me or I'm gonna keep throwing him into every movie Michael Cera's made.

Sleepless in Seattle

A guy in Seattle falls in love with a woman in Seattle. She works for a radio company, so they're both sleepless because he's always calling in at different hours of the night to speak to her. Little does he know, she doesn't work the night shift. The woman was probably in a relationship through most of the movie, just dealing with the fact that she had a radio stalker, but when she gets dumped towards the plot's ~climax~ she decides to just fuck it and go out with the stalker because, as the tagline so eloquently explains, that's what desperation'll do to ya!

When Harry Met Sally

My 11th grade English class had a brief discussion of this movie for reasons I don't remember so what a took from that was: Harry meets Sally, Harry likes Sally, but Sally isn't interested in Harry, so they become best friends while also going on dates, a dynamic that is ridiculous even for the Hollywood rom-com crowd. Sally dates someone else and moves away to another city, and then Harry and Sally set out on a string of moving around to a shit ton of different cities in a very short time period, until they finally end up in the same place--let's call it San Francisco--and end up happily ever after together.

Animal House

The movie adaptation of the 1980 best selling book about an apocalyptic future where a ton of farm animals have to create their own government. The pigs are assholes, the horses are stupid, and in the end the chickens bail for a new and better society. Somehow this ties into college frat parties and a grown man-baby that everyone but me seems to know.

Happy Gilmore

Adam Sandler is a really happy guy that enjoys playing golf a lot. This makes him a bum that girls don't want to date because he probably doesn't have a real job from all that golf playing. He's not very good at golf though. At some point he falls down, which in the end will prove to be a turn on to the girl he ends up with and probably the reason he wins her over.

The Wedding Singer

Adam Sandler is back, and apparently funny, as a guy who sings in a wedding band. His band probably also does kids parties and middle school graduations, but this movies centered around a wedding gig. Everything takes place in one day--a la 24--the day of the wedding, and ends with Adam Sandler winning over the bride and them eloping together. Moral of the story: the bride was probably a bitch because she was willing to leave her fiance at the alter for a man she met that day. Oh, and Adam Sandler probably falls at some point.


A young mob boss' son becomes a caddy for his father's mobster henchmen, learning the ropes of the business that will one day be his. It's a tale of family and responsibility, with a little sprinkle of danger. Or Adam Sandler is a really happy guy that enjoys playing golf a lot. I don't know which golf movie is the Adam Sandler golf movie.

The Breakfast Club*

I've also seen this one recently, but until then a Family Guy parody made me think it was about a group of giant stuffed animals that met for breakfast at a cafe. Or at Tiffany's. I'm still not entirely clear on the difference between this and Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Boy meets Girl. Boy loves Girl. Girl loves other, badder boy. Boy and Girl live in the 80's. Girl wears scrunchies. Boy drives a vintage mustang. Bad boy cheats on Girl. Girl and friends of Girl have sleepovers. Girl's little brother is budding pervert. Boy has two friends in a 2,000 person high school. Boy and Girl make out at the end. Joan Cusack.

Die Hard

According to the sequel there are days where it's good to die hard, which makes no sense to me. There's also a difference between dying and dying hard, I assume one of those involves cocaine. I'm guessing there's a group of bad ass buddies that go around shooting people--how else would you kill someone? I mean really, knives?--and in the end some of them will die; not the main characters, though, otherwise there probably wouldn't be 3 movies. Somehow that makes it a Christmas movie. Tis the season to slaughter your enemies... and present their shredded clothes to your niece as a quilt.