What I Learned About German People Is...


I met a German person this weekend. Yes, you heard right. I'm cultured, motherfucker. Now that I've met a person from another part of the world I feel much more worldly and knowledgable than I did 5 days ago. Being the selfless civil servant that I am, I've decided to share this knowledge with all of you so that maybe you too can stop being an ignorant piece of shit. I may have only met one German person, but just like all the citizens of every other completely homogenous country, all German people are the same. So here are all the generalizations about German people that I've made from meeting one of them. keep-calm-and-learn-german

  • German people don't like tequila.
  • German people don't like sour 7/11 slurpies.
  • German people love Applebee's.


  • German people are very particular about how they play their card games.
  • German people's favorite American foods are mac n' cheese and cheese sticks, even though they haven't quite figured out remembering to refrigerate the cheese sticks, or that they shouldn't eat cheese sticks when they're not refrigerated.
  • German people should not be left alone in Chicago. New York City is fine, but Germans can't navigate Chicago.
  • German people are very judgmental about American names, even though German names are 10x weirder. That's a fact, not an opinion.
  • The rough translation of a popular German drinking cheers is "to the noodle, to the penis, to the desk" whatever that means.


  • If you don't look a German person in the eye when you cheers, you will either have gay kids or bad sex for 7 years.
  • Germans are not amused by Hitler jokes.
  • They are especially not amused by Hitler/Jew combo jokes.
  • In Germany, "water" refers to "sparkling water" which is probably why Germans have such an angry reputation because sparkling water is disgusting.
  • Germans don't understand how to open car windows.
  • German people's idea of a great night out drinking is making everyone puke.
  • Germans are very bad at flip cup.
  • Germans might be good at soccer, though that's not entirely clear. It was pretty dark.


Stay tuned for my breakout novel, I Offended Germany, And So Can You!, in stores and making headlines on morning talk shows around the country just in time for my announcement of my presidential candidacy!