Some Questions For The City of Los Angeles


Dear Los Angeles, I have some questions for you.

You may have notice the I've been a little absent from the blog in recently, and by recently I mean the past 5 days, and by you I mean my friends who only read this when they get bored at work. Go back to work, Ali. If, on the off chance, your name isn't Ali and you were genuinely wondering why you were forcibly deprived from comedic brilliance, I was in LA for the weekend visiting a friend. I've never been to LA before, and the last time I was in California I was maybe 13 and visiting my parents' friends' house in Napa, where I locked myself in their home movie theatre for the entirety of the visit. Prior to this weekend, my knowledge of LA consisted of terrible traffic, sunshine, rabbit food, presumably annoying celebrities, and the entire YouTube population--basically Florida, but more veiled idiocy. Naturally, when I got here I was immediately confused by a few things... and then a few more... and then a shit ton more. And that's how we got here. So once again I did what I normally do when faced with a place I don't understand; I wrote down all of my questions in the hopes that someone might help me out here, even though I know no one will.

About your airport:

  • Why is your airport an absolute shit show?
  • Where the actual fuck is your security checkpoint and how do I get to it?
  • Why did the lines to get to security resemble those of the lines at disney land
  • Why did I watch a TSA agent get scolded for “not using their eyes” while the other person held up an ID and a boarding pass to their face?
  • Why are there more people sitting on the floor than in chairs?
  • Why is my flight delayed?
  • Why is my 10:30 p.m. flight the only one I could get?
  • Why do you carry Spirit Airlines?

About your geography:

  • So are you not the same thing as Orange County or Beverly Hills?
  • And what about Hollywood?
  • Is Hollywood different from LA?
  • Why do you call LA a city when it’s really just a cluster of like 7 cities?
  • Is there any cities you don’t just incorporate and call LA?
  • Why do you have so many highways?
  • Are you aware that highways can go North-South and East-West, and not haphazard angle-haphazard angle?
  • Why do your neighborhood abbreviations sound like Teletubbies names?

About your traffic:

  • What the actual fuck?
  • Why can none of you pull out of a parking lot or make a right turn without simultaneously pulling into an oncoming car?
  • How do you not shoot yourself every time you get in your car?
  • Are you taught road rage at driving school?
  • Do you really need all those highways?
  • How many bikers does the average Los Angelunatic run over in a typical week?
  • If a red Porsche convertible leaves point A at 3:30 pm, a black Range Rover SUV leaves point B at 3:55 pm, and point A and point B are 2 miles apart, why will they crash into each other after the 45 minute drive a every single time?

About your food:

  • What’s with all the tea everywhere?
  • Why are egg whites your automatic cafe omelette ingredient and the full egg the substitute?
  • Does anyone actually order the pancakes/waffles at a breakfast place?
  • Why do I have to pay for my bags at Trader Joe's?
  • Why have you yet to demolish The Bigg Chill and replace it with an ice cream or froyo place that’s actually palatable?

About In-N-Out specifically:

  • What’s with all the hype with In-N-Out?
  • Why do you hype up In-N-Out to be more than it is, which is the #1 shitty fast-food burger place?
  • Y u no share In-N-Out?
  • Of all the reputations of states’ eating habits, do you really think it’s appropriate that you get In-N-Out and not Don’t-Come-In-We-Don’t-Serve-Egg-Whites?

About LA in general:

  • Why are all your dogs so small?
  • Why was I not the fattest person here? I was expecting to be the fattest person here. You're reputation is misleading.
  • Are all of you allergic to baggy sweatshirts or workout clothes not by Lululemon, Athleta, or a celebrity?
  • Why is your cell service so goddamn terrible?
  • Is there a way to pronounce "LA" without sounding like a douche?
  • Why is your reaction to all the smog “Yeah that’s just the smog."

I'll be waiting for someone to get back to me, but not in traffic.