Culturally Significant Movies Summarized By A Person Who's Never Seen Them | Part 1

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Have you ever looked through IMDb's list of the 100 most culturally significant films in the past century and thought, "Yeah, those movies were all really great." I haven't. I've seen maybe 10 of these. When I look through this list, I think, "I'd probably understand cultural references more if I hadn't watched Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging 17 times instead." Since I don't understand most movie references, I thought it'd be fun to prove just how culturally inept I am by giving my own plot summaries of these incredibly important and renowned movies that I have not, and probably never will, see. All of the plot summaries you are about to see are 100% what I now, or at some point in the recent past, believe these movies to be about. Some are based off of conversations with friends about them that I paid little attention to, and others solely on the title. In most cases, I don't actually know how accurate, or more likely inaccurate, these synopses are because I still don't know what a majority of these are about. I don't know yet how many parts this series will have because there are always important movie coming out that, as history tells us, I will never see.

Please try to get through this without hating me.

Lord of the Rings

A group of peasants wander through a forest filled with mythical creatures. Eventually they reach some mountain with an eye on it that really likes its ring. It takes 3 movies for the main characters to fight for this ring; there's probably an explosion at some point and maybe even a wedding. Starring Frito Lay, Bag of Dildos, and pre-exorcism Dobby saying "my precious."

The Hobbit

Everyone in Lord of the Rings was extra mean to one guy because he was super short and probably not as sexy as some heart-throb main character, so they made this spin-off showing everyone just how shitty the "little person"'s life is to make some extra cash in the box office.

Saving Private Ryan

Brokeback Mountain, except they all go off to war.

The Godfather

Some old Italian dude who has probably never actually been to Italy runs a mob ring. He's scary, his brothers are scary, his friends are scary, and they all kill pretty much everyone. Oh and his wife is probably in on the mob and at the same time completely oblivious. Eventually they all die, and instead of continuing the mobster family business, their sons vow to make New York/Chicago/on second thought it probably takes place in New York a better place. Starring either Al Pacino or someone playing Al Capone. Probably not starring the real Al Capone, he dead.

The Shawshank Redemption

Two men go to jail after being ratted out by their lawbreaking buddy and accomplice. They break out of jail and seek vengeance on their former friend. In the end they feed their friend to some sharks for whatever reason, and then got shot at and die. While they were in jail, one of them probably dropped the soap, which led to some deep psychological issues, as well as the graphic nature of their friend's death.

Good Will Hunting*

I did actually watch this movie for the first time last fall. Prior to that I assumed it was a movie about hunting, where all the main characters go into the woods and only some of them survive. I can't imagine it being considered a one-in-a-million movie if they magically all come out alive; that's why it's good will hunting, because they try to be all good willed and keep everyone alive, but in the end somebody fucks up.

Casablanca

I genuinely thought this movie was some story about a horse. Now that I've seen a gif with two people kissing in front of a plane, something tells me it is either about a romantic tale where the girl runs away with the horse--who is already on the plane--or there is no horse.

Indiana Jones

The wild wild west meets ancient Egypt in this classic thriller where Indiana Jones, a guy with a cool hat and an even cooler name, spends too much time with a small Asian boy and a useless female sidekick whom he will probably bang once the credits start rolling. I imagine this to somewhat like National Treasure, where they go on unnecessarily dangerous adventures just to find some missing treasure, except instead of fighting fellow treasure hunters in the name of saving his family's reputation, Indiana fights the only quicksand ever to exist on earth and an unusual abundance of caving-in walls, all in the name of maybe getting in some good cardio.

Napoleon Dynamite

Pre-Blades of Glory Jimmy MacElroy goes to high school with his stereotypical Mexican friend Pedro. Pedro tries to win something, presumably some sort of school government position--hence the catchphrase 'Vote for Pedro'--and Jimmy's only other friend is a Llama named Tina, also known as the fat lard. They go about their lives in the most awkward way possible, and someone gets a fake ID from Hawaii with the name 'McLovin'. That last part may be from something else.

Breakfast at Tiffany's

Audrey Hepburn eats breakfast at a jewelry store with a hot guy for approximately 120 minutes. At the end of their bowel-destroying feast, he tells her he loves her, and she says 'thank you.' Then they probably go off and shit World War III. Romance.