Some people are destined to do great things from the day they're born. Those are the people that end up gracing the cover of Forbes Magazine before their 30th birthday. Some people get really high, drive on the wrong side of the highway to McDonald's at 3 a.m., and call it a Wednesday night. Those are the people being celebrated here, because there's no chance in hell they'll ever make it on another 30 under 30 list, at least not a positive one.
30. Johann Verheem
Creator of the Shake Weight.
29. Anyone named Viveca.
That is not a name.
28. Anyone named Bryce.
This is not the 1990's.
27. Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnson aka Bristol Palin's son
Not only does he have Sarah Palin running through his veins, his name will forever remind you that was an accident.
"Hey what happened to Bristol?"
"Oh, she tripped on the sidewalk and now she has a child."
26. The woman who once stopped me in a mall and asked if I'd consider modeling
You're clearly going no where in your career if your idea of scouting is the socially awkward, acne covered 12 year old that was me in 6th grade.
25. Donald Trump
Honestly if there ever was a 60 year old man/carton of pure Florida orange juice to try to pass himself off as under 30, that 60 year old man/carton of pure Florida orange juice would be Donald Trump. Even if he was age eligible, he calls himself The Donald. Self-appointed douchenozzle nicknames are automatic disqualifications.
24. Jenna from 13 Going on 30
She automatically has less than half the chance of doing anything more significant than outgrowing shitting in diapers just given the fact that she lost the latter 17 of her illegible years. If we add in the fact that she is both a 13 year old, who are the worst human beings on earth, and the fact that she is pretty high up in the ranking of shitty 13 year olds, we should just be glad she's outgrown shitting her pants.
23. My 4th grade karate instructor
Claiming me as a product of your karate instructing is nothing to brag about.
22. The owner of the bar studio that gave me a free headband
I know I'm an anti-marketing ploy for your fitness center when people see me wearing it, but you should have thought of that before you gave me a free headband and expected me to buy other headbands.
21. My freshman year roommate
She genuinely believes Adam Sandler is funnier than Will Ferrell. Hi Amanda, how's the Caribbean?
20. The manager of my nearest Chipotle
You run a terrible Chipotle.
19. Hot Jim Plumber
I don't even know where to begin with that one.
18. The color puce
I have no problem with your color, it's your name that makes me want to roll myself up in a hot dog bun and serve myself as a pig in a blanket at a child's birthday party. Did the person that named you really hate you that much, or were they just a poor unfortunate soul that decided to name their discovery after their truly awful last name?
17. My brother
He once got shot in the eye with a bebe gun because he and his friend thought it would be a good idea to point an "empty" bebe gun at his eye.
16. North Dakota
If any of you were going to do anything, we would have heard of it by now. It's been 126 years...
15. Carly Rae Jepsen
You let this happen.
14. The dolphin I refused to kiss out of fear when I went swimming with dolphins
If I ever become famous, you won't get to claim the title of one of Molly Ade's scandalous ex-hookups.
13. Matthew Lewis circa early 2000's
You find me one person that genuinely wanted to bang Neville Longbottom. Not young Matthew Lewis, the unfortunately dorky Harry Potter actor. Neville Longbottom, the Neville Longbottom, in all his knockoff Matilda glory.
12. Danielle Radcliffe circa early 2000's
Again, Deathly Hallows Dan: phenomenal. Daniel Radcliffe in his first Harry Potter appearance? Not so much. I'm not saying I could have done any better--I have the acting skills of a dropped potato--but some of the scenes from the first movie looked like they were straight out of a Disney Channel acting tutorial on how to pull off the most over the top and unrealistic techniques in the book. Here's a refresher (1:50) if you still don't believe me--and yes I was too lazy to find the clip itself on my own, I'm a piece of shit I know.
He was a United States President you imbecile!
10. Anyone born on a leap year
It's just not fair that you'll probably be "under 30" for the rest of your life. Who's to be the judge of when your're under 30 and when you're not?
9. Benjamin Button
I don't even want to try touching on how all your shit works. On a basic level, your first 30 years of your very nonfictional life are all as an old man, and the most impressive thing my grandpa can do is not crash his car. I can't imagine you beating that.
8. British people
You need to learn how to spell center and color before your spot on this list can be up for discussion. You'll also need to revisit your consumption of blood sausages and why you don't find them absolutely fucking disgusting.
Seriously, the fuck is that shit?
7. This Justin Bieber look-alike
Or any person that tries to make themselves more like Justin Bieber really.
6. My hairdresser
I'm sorry I keep coming back too.
5. Anyone who has ever modeled for Abercrombie or Hollister
There is no coming back from this.
4. Any child that appeared on Toddlers & Tiaras
They'll be too busy paying for both their and their parents' psychotherapy. And probably their dog's psychotherapy and weekly pedicure bill.
3. My friends
You guys brought this on yourselves.
2. Anyone that's ever starred in a Lifetime original movie
You should have seen this coming...
This is what I do in my spare time.