I've always been both a lover of romantic comedies and firm believer that they were completely unrealistic bullshit.
Yesterday one of those changed.
I was making my way downtown, walking fast, faces passed, I was sushi bound. I wasn't body wrapped in sushi or handcuffed in seaweed or anything like that, I was going to a sushi place for a very unneeded second dinner. I don't know what it is, but the thought of sliced Nemo's mom garnished with Nemo's unborn baby siblings has never failed to leave me feeling aphrodesi-tastic.
Everything about the situation screamed romance: I was on my way to third wheel a couple, I had spent the previous night watching vlogs of a couple getting a puppy, I was wearing my fanciest "I dug this out of the depths of my laundry-less closet" dress--a $3 tank top, my roommate's flip flops, and baggy Nike shorts-- and my hair was in an elegant updo that could only mean two things: I was on my way to an elegant, romantic wedding, or my hair was too full of grease and dry shampoo to be let loose on the village people. I was basically a walking boombox of baby making music.
With one crossing of the street keeping me from the sushi restaurant I hit a red light, my only red light. Stop signal, more like signal from the universe amirite? I stood on the street corner, looking around in awe and wonderment of why there couldn't be a stop sign at that corner like every other one on that street, when out of the corner of my eye I saw him. The one.
I can still picture him in my mind perfectly: he had dark skin, eyes, a smile, and short hair dark hair, all which was beautifully accentuated by his garments made out of what I can only assume was a type of fabric.
I guess he was as mesmerized by my presence as I was his, because next thing I knew his body rammed into me like a sexy NASCAR crash. I can only assume this was some sort of soulmate ritual I'd never heard of. Hey single men out there, this could be your next foolproof move.
He stopped. We looked at each other. He sensually whispered "I'm sorry." I responded with my sexiest "That's okay." As he pulled away he whispered in my ear, "Till we meet again." We locked eyes as we reluctantly parted ways, him continuing on, and me still waiting for the Mr. Crosswalkmen to show up.
I stood on the street corner looking around out of boredom. I saw him walking towards me but thought nothing of it because the basic laws of common sense dictate that an object in motion will stay in motion, and an object at rest in the direct path of the object in motion can't just disappear out of thin air because this isn't the fucking Incredibles and Frozone isn't going to weave you a magical ice path through all the other peasant pedestrians.
Despite looking straight at me as he rounded the corner he still managed to walk right into me. He laughed and apologized to which I responded, "It's okay." He tried to apologize again, this time trying to make eye contact, but I'm too awkward of a person for normal social interaction, so I just stuck to empty area between his shoulder and neck contact. I didn't stick my face in the crook of his neck, I just stared at it.
He went his own way and I crossed the street. I looked back at him once, and to my amazement witnessed him walk past a dumpster and street lamp without bumping into either. Maybe he really is incredible after all.
Okay so I lied in the beginning; I still think rom-coms will forever be the reason I have to make up bullshit excuses as to why some guy my friend hooked up with hasn't texted her back. I also still love them, specifically the one in Friends With Benefits that Mila Kunis' character is obsessed with. I mean how can you not be, it's potentially every single romance cliche known to emotionally unstable woman, balled up into one sarcastically cheesy delivery. Seriously, if someone turns this into a real life movie I will personally sabotage whatever small amount of game I have by using quotes from it as pickup lines. Call my bluff I dare you.