"The grass is always greener when it's not falling out of your mouth."
Sometimes you have to alter famous quotes to make them more relatable to yourself. In my case, there wasn't an already famous enough quote to convey just how awful I am at eating, so I had to make one myself. For the most part, I don't let my inability to transfer food from a serving container to my mouth without half of it getting all over my face and/or the table deter me from eating whatever the fuck I want. The one exception to that is soup. Now I don't really like soup, so it's not like my general inability to eat soup really bothers me that much, but eating soup takes so much of my time, energy and patience that I usually can't be bothered with it. It's for that reason that I have never tried pho before, until last until last night.
If you don't know what pho is, it's basically an Asian version of Campbell's chicken noodle soup. It might advertised that you're getting meat in there, but what you're really getting is broth and a shit ton of noodles, plus some chunks that may be meat.
This whole eating adventure didn't actually start off as a quest to try new foods and embarrass myself in front of a small group of Asian cuisine patrons, it started off as a quest for fruity drinks. "Fruity drinks? That's not even remotely related to slurpy Asian noodles... This whole challenge is off to an incredibly dysfunctional start!" I'm aware, which is why I'll explain:
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A couple days back my friend Ariel and I attempted to make wine ice cream. Long story short we forgot to freeze the ice cream maker in advance, and as it turns out, freeziness is an important ingredient for making ice cream. Mission not accomplished. Instead of giving up on the 3 bottles of wine we bought for our project, we decided to retry said efforts last night. Turns out we both forgot why we had plans for last night, just that we had plans, and decided it would be fun to get dinner and fruity drinks. Then we remembered that my 21st birthday isn't for another 3 months and that getting fruity drinks for the two of us would be a little difficult, which is when we remembered the whole purpose of us making plans in the first place: wine ice cream. With the drink part settled all we had to do was figure out dinner. We mutually agreed that we wanted to get something healthy, preferably a salad, and started cross-listing every restaurant in Ann Arbor that serves "really great salads" with restaurants that were under $11. When our search turned up 0 results, Ariel suggested we try one of the pho places neither of us had been to--apparently forgetting that pho is neither healthy nor salad--and settled on the one that was under $11.
At this point you might be wondering why I chose to include this completely unrelated anecdote. The answer is that I wanted to give you a sneak peak at just how incompetent our pho adventure would be. Just take the incompetency of that story and multiply it by 10. You have your answer.
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So that leaves us with getting pho. Pretty much the only thing we did right the whole night was sit down. We waited by the "wait here to be seated" sign, were eventually seated, and ordered waters. That part was lovely. Cue everything going to shit. It took us all of 2 seconds to realize we didn't know the difference between any of the types of noodles on the menu. After an extensive google search and unrelated discussion of lemons, we realized that we didn't actually want pho because udon noodles looked better, and went with curry udon, Ariel because she wanted curry udon, and me because I hadn't actually looked at the menu and knew of nothing else. This is what we got:
What you can't see in that small picture is that the only two utensils we got to eat our faux pho was chopsticks, which I will never understand, and a giant flat spoon useful for holding absolutely nothing, except maybe an the world's shortest egg race.
Luckily for you, my future grandchildren, and the Asian people out there whose recent google searches include "stupid Americans eating Asian food fail, "Ariel was kind enough to take a video of me and set it as her snapchat story. So instead of having to paint you a mental picture of my sloppy struggles, I present to you a physical moving picture of them:
I could put together a points system, but I'll just let this snapchat say it all.
Never eat Udon on a first date, ladies and gents.
Molly: 5 - Challenges: 5
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