Dear Michigan, I have some questions for you.
Over Memorial Day weekend I went home with my friend Brooke and her boyfriend Boyce--I know, I didn't believe that was a real name at first either. Anyway, we spent one day at her home home before heading up to her house "up north," which wasn't really so much "up north" in the state of Michigan as it was north relative to Brooke's house. Mostly it was 2 hours west and a little bit north. Northwest if you would.
Now prior to this weekend I'd spent little to no time in the state of Michigan outside of my little Ann Arbor bubble. With the amount of out of staters in Ann Arbor, it really doesn't have the true Michigan ~feel~. I'd heard people explain what it was like to grow up in Michigan and Michigan norms and this and that, but I hadn't really seen it for myself until then*. Okay I had been outside of Ann Arbor twice before, once to East Lansing aka another college town, and once to the west coast with my travel enthusiast mother, who is an expert at finding any travel destination's "local favorites and staples" that only tourists go to. Something about the Gerald Ford museum didn't really leave me with any understanding of the average, non-presidential Michigan citizen.
Having lived in Michigan for 2 years, I've always had my questions about the great white north, and until this weekend I had left them unvoiced. But after spending a weekend in northern/western/wherever the fuck Michigan getting the true Michigan experience, I can hold my silence no longer. You got some 'splainin to do, Michigan.
About "up north" and Detroit geography:
- What with your obsession with "up north?"
- Why do you consider pretty much everything geographically north of you "up north?"
- What is actually considered "up north?"
- Is there one part of "up north" that is the best "up north?"
- What is Metro Detroit?
- Who lives in Metro Detroit?
- What percent of people who claim to live in Detroit actually live in Metro Detroit?
- Who lives in Detroit?
About your general Michiganity:
- Why am I sneezing so much?
- Why do you all believe you pronounce words better than the rest of the country? This is clearly false.
- Are you aware that infrastructure technology has advanced past log cabins?
- How much farming do you really do with all that farmland?
- What roles do the horses play on the farm?
- What do you do with your farmland the 8 months out of the year it's unfarmable?
- Do you hold the national record for most farm snowmen per capita?
- Are you bitter towards Russia for holding the world record?
- So are massive bugs just not a thing that bother you guys?
- Considering the quantity of trees relative to the quantity of bonfires, how have you not had a massive forest fire pandemic?
About your food:
- Is every Michigander as obsessed with cherries as my non-Michigander mom?
- Don't you think you have enough apple orchards?
- Who thought it necessary to have a Coney Island in every city?
- Why are all Coney Islands so different that you could put two right next to each other and people would have a definitive favorite?
and most importantly...
- Why do you insist Vernor's tastes good? Or that it tastes like cream soda? Or that it's even remotely edible? Or shouldn't banished away with its equally undesirable child, Diet Vernor's, Scarlet Letter style? #StopVernors
As you can see I'm quite confused. So, Michigan, I'd really appreciate it if you'd get back to me soon, preferably via your farm animals. They're adorable and I want one. I don't know how that would work logistically seeing as they're animals and can't speak proper English, but I'm sure you'll find a way. You are the birthplace of Domino's after all, and if they can manage to sell their shitty pizza, you can find me a talking goat.
Forever awaiting your response,
Molly Kathryn Ade