Fox News: The Most Trusted Name In Standup Comedy


Fox News is America's most trusted news source, which is absolutely terrifying. If you had asked me a year ago if I thought this would ever happen, my response would have been an over the top mocking "No way in hell!" Even if you asked me today I still wouldn't believe it. What with all the ridiculousness that goes on at Fox on a daily basis I didn't think anyone could actually take them seriously. I mean, really? Fox News? Even after this? And this? And this?!


But this isn't just a Fox News problem. Overblown click-batey titles and loose adherence to strictly the facts have become almost a necessity if you want anyone to read, let alone share, whatever piece of "news" it is you're sharing, no matter who you are. For example, if you've seen any recent episode of The Daily Show, you'd know that CNN has more than a little bit of a problem with over-employing holograms and virtual simulations that add no real informational value other than "ooh pretty colors!" Why can I say "any recent" and not just name an episode in particular? Because CNN overuses flashy graphics so often it's almost shocking when they don't.


This is a huge problem. America loves titles, we live for that shit. Not because we think they really hold a great amount of value, but because we won't even think about clicking on an article unless we think we're being promised adorable puppies or a heart warming survival of an unbelievable tragedy. Take Twitter. I follow the New York Times on Twitter yet I can't remember the last time I actually clicked on any of their articles. What have I clicked on? This. And this. And this. I won't pretend I'm not part of the problem.

But I am at least somewhat proud that I recognize that all of an article's information isn't completely captured in the title. Many people don't. So how accurate is "America's most trusted news network?" I took a look at a few of their front page headlines to find out.

"Obama, Michelle fly to LA, taxpayers pay big"

Obama and Obamamama flew to LA on the same day but took separate flights. I didn't have to dig down deep for that one, that's what the title changes to when you click on the link. Upon further review, we can see that the two took separate flights to LA on the Thursday but left on different days. Were these travel arrangements necessary? Did one of them have a scheduling conflict that prevented them from flying together? Will every American be immediately taxed on their front doorstep every time the President flies? Is that how taxes work? We don't know, Fox only focused on the travel costs, though they did fail to take into account the whole "leaving on different days" thing when calculating the cost of coast-to-coast travel for each plane.

"White House acknowledges Petraeus advising gov’t on ISIS, despite guilty plea"

Obama consulted ex CIA director David Patraeus on ISIS, amongst other Middle Easterny things. That may have been a questionable thing to do. Good job, Fox! You got it right without any added "this was clearly a ploy to destroy the traditional American family" bullshit. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and pretend i didn't see the "The Associated Press contributed to this report." part of it. What actually caught my eye, and why this is in here, is because I saw this.

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Not only are these stories incredibly related to Icing (ISIS? ISIL? Make up your fucking mind?), they're also something I would totally expect from an illegal TV streaming website. I guess Fox has expanded it's business.

"Marco’s moment: Rubio’s reputation unstained by investigative misfire"

Politico wrote an investigative piece on Marco Rubio's recent real estate activity entitled Marco Rubio's House of Horrors. To sum it up, Rubio bought the house 10 years ago with his ex-buddy, David Rivera, in what was not the smartest financial move. That's it. Oh, except that Rivera, now a former congressman, was investigated for campaign finance fraud, and Rubio lived with him while his shady dealings allegedly occurred. If we were to put this article and Fox's response into a conversation, it would go something like this:

Politico: "This really doesn't look to great financial decision-wise and personal judgment-wise."

Fox: "You're an idiot because Rubio's a great dude and has absolutely nothing to do with this and they're not close friends anymore and fuck you."

Politico: "Okay yeah he's not under investigation and they may not be close but this is still cause for concern since he might be running for president..."

Fox: "I don't care because you're an idiot and fuck you."

Well said.

As a Florida native myself, I can personally attest that "unstained" was not the right word to use here. Sure, Fox, maybe in your mind this one particular investigation left his reputation unstained, but pretty much everything else he ever done has. Why do you think everyone knows who Marco Rubio is? (Hint: not because he's the next big thing behind Clay Aiken running for Congress)

Also on a side note, please refrain from ever using "woohoo!" or "man, that was quick!" ever again. For christs sake, you're an established national news source, not a ranty, hormonal high school girl's diary.

C'mon Fox News, enough is enough. If you're going to be America's most trusted name in news you need to start acting like America's most trusted name in news. I'm not asking you to drop your uber conservative fuck Obama mantra, that's what your viewers love about you. Just please, for the love of journalistic integrity (and my sanity) start acting like a trustable news source.

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America, this one's on you, too.