Dear BuzzFeed, It has come to my attention recently that you've seem to have entered an identity crisis as far as what entertaining content I expect you to put out. When I prepare to peruse your site, I expect silly cats sliding across floors, Tumblr posts that are just too clever for words, and videos of people trying god awful foreign foods in slow motion. You, on the other hand, seem to have garnered a recent obsession with not doing that. Instead you've focused your articles on things that are "borderline genius." What bothers me isn't that you're attempting to up your standards to compete with the Internet big dogs. It's that you insist that your almost completely useless articles are borderline genius. There is nothing even remotely genius about them. The fact that you're putting genius in the same sentence as "no-bake desert" has Einstein rolling over in his geniusly bedazzled DIY grave. If you were really going for accuracy, might I suggest "12 Seemingly Simple But Actually Take A Lot More Time Than They Seem Recipes That You Probably Won't Ever Make But What The Hell You Gotta Read Something To Waste Your Time." A squirrel failing to climb up a slippery pole is not borderline genius. It's actually the opposite. It's downright fucking stupid, exactly what you'd expect from a squirrel considering the fact that squirrels tend to be pretty damn stupid. I'll admit, BuzzFeed, I noticed this trend for a while but really didn't think too much of it. Then I saw the "borderline genius" Valentine's Day bouquet. In what way is putting sharp razors and a roll of dirty coins even remotely genius? Are you planning on proposing with said bouquet so that one day you can tell your kids,
"She leaned in to smell the roses and accidentally got her face caught on the uncovered razor. I knew in that moment no one would ever look as beautiful all bloodied and cut up like your mother did as she screamed and cried in terror. Plus the roll of quarters came in handy when we had to pay for parking at the ER."
If someone gave me that bouquet as a Valentine's gift, I would spend all my money on an elaborately planned proposal, foot them the bill and switch out the "will you marry me" moment with "go fuck yourself with the romantic socks you gave me because I sure as hell won't be taking on that job anymore." Really BuzzFeed, I don't have a problem with your mindless articles or straightforward suggestion pieces that really don't need to be spelled out, just don't pretend that they're anything more than they really are. Unless you come up with something on par with this, refrain from giving it the label "genius." This is genius. Hot cocoa hacks are not genius. Sincerely and scathingly yours, The desk of Molly Kathryn Ade