For My Second Trick, I Will Make My Car Reappear (Maybe)


As I mentioned in my previous post, my car was stolen two days ago. What I failed to mention was that while I'm currently living in Ann Arbor, I hail from my hometown of Boca Raton, Florida. Florida I know.... Anyways I know you're probably wondering, "Are these two things related or is this just digression number 3?" Well the answer is why yes! You sly dog, you, and here's how.

Until recently I had no need to bring my car up to school with me, or a place to put it. As you might have deduced so cunningly from the 'until recently', I now have both of those things. Because neither of my selfish parents wanted to spend 24 hours driving it up here only to fly back home the next day, the only natural solution was to ship it on a car carrier. If you don't know what a car carrier is and can't bother to look it up on the Google, it's that giant truck your grandparents load their car on when they head down to Florida every winter, you lazy piece of shit. Now because this is Florida that we're talking about, where literally thousands of cars are shipped too and from the state every year, you'd think that by now they still wouldn't have developed an even remotely functional system to do so and would most definitely fuck it up. You'd be right.

This is where the part where I'm from Florida is really important, because it's almost guaranteed impossible that my car be stolen in the way that it was in any other state. Because technically my car wasn't what was stolen. The truck was.

Yup. I guess at no point between loading 10 cars on a very giant, very conspicuous car-carrying truck, and actually driving said truck, did anyone stop and think, "Hey, maybe we should take the keys out of the truck." or "Maybe we should store this truck somewhere secure." or even the simplest "I probably shouldn't lose this truck." The transport company made a point to instruct us on how to look for any scratches or damages that may have been incurred on the trip, but they were very little help in instructing us how to examine a car that never actually showed up.

Luckily my car and the truck were found in Miami roughly 24 hours later, missing only their license plates and the dignity of whoever was in charge the previous day. Unluckily, my parents seem to follow the mantra, "If at first they lose your car, try, try again," because they will once again be trusting the same transport company to get my car safely from Florida to Michigan, the exact opposite of what it did last time. While I've been promised a Friday arrival, I have a feeling something will happen in two days, let's say I don't know, it get's stolen again, and I will again wake up feeling like a Jewish kid on Christmas morning.

In coping with my car-related anxiety, I've spent the last day thinking of things that are more likely to happen than me seeing my car again. (I also just tried to pour tortilla chips onto a napkin and did not stick the landing.) Some of these things include:

  • The release of The Sixth Sense Two: Bruce Willis Wasn't Really Dead
  • The Sixth Sense Two: Bruce Willis Wasn't Really Dead is snubbed for Best Picture by a film featuring Mark Wahlberg speaking in an accent other than a Boston one
  • I finally learn the difference between Kevin Love and Kevin Hart
  • Shirtless Vladimir Putin can be seen from Sarah Palin's house on the next episode of Animal Planet's Wild West Alaska
  • Shia LeBeouf answers the fan mail I wrote him in 7th grade
  • American's can properly identify the UK, Great Britain, and England
  • I learn what a 401K is, and create one (Start one? Build one? Open one? Is it like a savings account?)
  • North Korea reveals it was never a communist country, but in fact the original and most elaborately planned flash mob, and Psy is just King Jong-un's stage name
  • Liam Neeson's niece crawls into my car; Taken 4 ensues

Improbable? Yes. More probable than me seeing my car again? Yes. All I can hope is that Christmas comes in July this year, not because I'm not mentally prepared to have it stolen again, because I am. More because I'm not physically prepared-all that remains of my tortilla chips are mere photos, and to get to Meijer to buy more would require a car.